Note: This article originally appeared on Medium.
How small, everyday affirmations contribute to child wellbeing
By Frank Lopez, LCSW-S, LCPAA, CART, Statewide Director of Foster Care & Adoption; and Jaime Ochoa, LPC, Clinical Director of Upbring Foster In Texas at Upbring
When it comes to supporting child wellbeing, we can think of a magic number: five.
Praise a child five times a day and, research shows, it can have a positive impact on their behavior. What’s more, it takes multiple positive messages to overcome the effects of a single negative one.
In our more than 30 years’ experience in social work, we’ve witnessed how fundamentally important positive affirmations are for all children. This type of support helps their developing brains get better at problem-solving and regulating emotions, and boosts self-confidence.
This is especially true for children who are at risk due to abuse, neglect or other family circumstances. Kindness and praise go a long way for children who have grown up with few encouraging words prior to placement — or worse, have been bombarded with criticism all their lives. Positive affirmation is vital as they begin to heal emotionally and adjust to being in state care.
When a child enters state care, it initiates a cascade of evaluations and interventions designed to restore their safety and help them begin to heal from trauma. The child welfare system is built around important protocols and evidence-based practices that can be personalized for every child in our care. But amid all the appointments and paperwork, it’s easy to overlook that positive affirmation is one of the most influential tools for ensuring child wellbeing.
The power of positive affirmation is among the many reasons we must create safe, nurturing, structured environments for children with a history of abuse and neglect — and put them on the path to wellbeing. Here’s how it helps, and why we integrate positive affirmation into all our programs and services at Upbring:
Children need to feel safe and loved. Positive affirmation starts not just with words but with a feeling. It’s how kids are treated and spoken to with every interaction — like they are part of a family and community. We can provide encouragement from the moment they are removed, and in every foster home, classroom or office they encounter while in care.
Children need adults in their corner. Positive affirmation can be woven into a child’s day-to-day interactions with foster parents, caseworkers, therapists, teachers and other adults in their lives. It tends to be most effective with coming from someone the child relates to, respects or has a good rapport with. When parents and professionals work together in this way, they can provide consistent guidance for the child in care. The opportunity may be fleeting — some children are in state care for mere days or weeks — but the impact on their development can last a lifetime. Who among us can’t think of an adult whose existence in our young lives made a profound difference?
It’s not unheard of for educators and foster parents to hear from children they have cared for years later — when they are no longer children, and may even have children of their own. That alone underscores the enduring power of these relationships. And as we know from recent research, one of the greatest predictors of wellbeing for youth who age out of foster care is the presence of trusted adult relationships to see them through the good times and bad times.
Children need to be told what they are doing right. It’s all too easy for caregivers to focus on areas of improvement, especially when children have behavioral and other challenges. While it’s important to address negative behaviors and to enforce consequences, children equally need to be praised when they do well, whether it’s making the bed or managing their emotions in a tough moment. That’s the heart of positive affirmation: incentivizing children to repeat positive behaviors, which in turn increases the likelihood they will make good decisions as they become young adults. We can do both without evoking punishment or shame.
Children want to enjoy the small moments. Much has been written about the importance of normalcy for children in foster care. The everyday moments that contribute to a child’s sense of normalcy are themselves a form of positive affirmation. When you share a meal at the dinner table, read a bedtime story or wave from the bleachers of a football game, you’re building a childhood that resembles their peers’. It doesn’t take much to show a child they matter. Every “good job” and “how was your day?” goes further than you imagine. Over time, these small kindnesses add up to instill feelings of worthiness and hope for children who need it most.
Children deserve something to aspire to. After all the hardship, it may be hard for children in state care to imagine their lives can be any different, much less the far-off future. This is our collective chance to demonstrate what stability and success look like. Adult caregivers are themselves role models. They can also help at-risk children see their strengths and immense potential — which can mean everything to someone who has existed for so long in a state of fight or flight. We can celebrate their courage and resilience, and cheer them on with every touchdown and glowing report card. Children in care will exceed expectations, every time, with the right support and empowerment.
Helping children in crisis is beautiful work. It’s also hard work that takes time. Positive affirmation is an important piece of the puzzle, one whose power lies within each of us.
Ready to make a difference in your community? At Upbring, we’re redefining child wellbeing across Texas and beyond. Learn more about becoming a foster parent at Upbring.org/FosterInTexas.